I Loved You
by ChiBi HenTAi AnGeL
Summary: Um...we're still working on 'Sweet Memories, Sweeter Reality', but I suppose you could call this a sequel? Maybe a side story? I dunno, anyway, title says it all. Shounen-ai warning!


Kitty Kasumi: it was mean, not telling you who the shounen-ai pairing was ^_^ most people would have said Shinji/Kaworu, but those who read our works would know that there's a possibility of it being a Toji/Kensuke...which it is by the way ^_~  
  
Have you ever had one of those major blue pits in life? I think I must have been in one when I wrote this. I also think that the Hentai Priestess must have helped me with this, because it's one of _those_ sort of death fics...I've got the Eva soundtrack playing on track 06. It sort of enhances the mood...*sigh*  
  
I'm not quite sure who claims Eva, but it's definitely not me!!! BTW - this _isn't_ related to 'Sweet memories, Sweeter Reality'...actually, it could be, if you wanted it to...  
  
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"Thank you...for being here at the end...but then again, you were the cause of this ending..."  
  
"No..." Toji rasped. The tall silhouette turned slightly in his direction and gave a shadowy smile, hidden by the darkness of the overcast midnight sky.  
  
"No? You will not be here? Or no, you deny that this is the end? Of course this isn't the end...the end happened half a fucking year ago, when you ditched me for that little skank Hikari. No, this is just the finale...to tie all loose ends." Toji couldn't tell if Kensuke was laughing or crying. The silhouette waved an arm around the scenery. They were on a grassy cliff edge that overlooked a murky, swirling mass that was the sea. Directly below the cliff were the usual jagged rocks protruding obscenely from the water. "A fitting last scene, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Don't do it...please...I'm not worth that." Toji stared hopelessly at the silhouette. He remembered when he would give Kensuke a loving squeeze around his waist whenever one of them felt down. The silhouette was gaunt and untouchable - Toji tried to convince himself that this was Kensuke he was talking to...but it was so hard when he heard the silhouette's voice, or when he just looked at it. This couldn't be Kensuke...  
  
"No - you're not, but you think that I am unworthy of your presence. This is the only way..."  
  
"Stop bullshitting, damn you!!! Do you really think you understand???"  
  
"Yes...you were tired of playing with me." Came the calm response. Toji laughed sadistically - half at the response, and half at a lost memory.  
  
"You never did lose your temper at me - you would throw the most bizarre psychos at anyone who got on your nerves, but you took every single bit of mine with a smile and a kiss...you have no idea how I felt every time that happened..."  
  
"No, I don't - but I don't care."  
  
"It was a screwed up idea then, and it's screwed up now!!! I should have never... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...I'M SORRY!!! Please...forgive me...don't ignore me...don't hate me...don't leave me...don't leave me...forgive me...I'm begging you Aida, forgive me..." Toji was losing it - fast. Everything that he had kept inside for the last six months were finally taking their effect on his emotional stability - he was shattering, and the final blow wasn't very far off.  
  
"Do you expect a kiss from me now, Toji?" The voice was so cold...but it didn't feel as though the silhouette was enjoying Toji's pain - the ice was hiding suppressed emotion. Toji desperately wanted to embrace Kensuke again, to melt the icy barrier. "Because you're not going to get it...do you know what your screwed up idea put me through? Can you even begin to comprehend six months worth of agony???"  
  
Toji remained silent as he padded across the damp grass to the silhouette that was once Kensuke Aida. The figure turned slightly to gaze at Toji, but remained rigid as he approached. Losing the rest of his nerve, Toji stopped just before he could bring his arms around the fragile frame.  
  
"Do you want to know why...Aida?" Toji had purposely addressed Kensuke by his surname - when they were together, their surnames were sort of their pet names for each other. "Do you want to know why I left?"  
  
"Yes, before I die, I would like my tortured soul to be at ease..." The silhouette caught itself just in time before it was going to lean back into Toji's arms. Toji almost reacted to the half-completed action. He sighed as he thought of a way to appropriately explain his actions over the last six months without resulting with Kensuke leaping over the edge.  
  
"As I said, you never ever lost your temper at me...I was about to tell you how I felt about that, wasn't I? It isn't important at the moment, you'll see after I explain everything...you were never mad at me, you loved me so much, your mere presence next to me would fill me with a content for life...and damn were you a fucking turn on! Anyway, have you ever felt as if you were unworthy of something? Or maybe someone? Ha, well that's what happened to me...I wasn't, and still not, worthy of your love and time - how could anyone be so kind to me??? I did nothing in return, and then this annoying guilt kept on pissing me off every time you even kissed me. You needed someone better - anyone better than me. Except I knew that you wouldn't let go of me if I explained to you then...so I had to be the bastard and dump you without any warning. You wouldn't believe how much it hurt when I saw your face still smiling at me after I just told you...didn't you fucking realize that I didn't want to be around you anymore!!! That's what I thought then at least... so I had to 'prove' to you that I didn't want you. So, hey, screw the next bitch that comes across my path, with the full knowledge that you would have full knowledge of it by next morning. It felt so dirty... knowing that I hurt you, and was about to hurt the little skank - maybe I should have just hired a hooker or something...but it mightn't have sent the message clearly enough. So in short, _you_ were too good for _me_, I fucked Hikari, knowing that it would break your heart and hers, while ruining the friendship between all of us just so that you would be able to love someone who deserved it. The only problem was that I thought that you were going to get over me...but you didn't and I realized that my idea was stupid beyond any forethought. I was too much of a chicken shit to confess to you and so continued to watch helplessly as you faded further and further away from me...watching as you stopped loving me while not being able to move on...it was, as you said, six months of pure agony."  
  
A loud sob racked though Kensuke's frail body as Toji finished. "No...I promised...I will not cry for him anymore...I will not..." He dropped on all fours, his fingers gripping the edge tightly, his breathing erratic as he chanted to himself, "I will not cry for him anymore...he isn't worth it..."  
  
Toji crouched down beside Kensuke, still too afraid to touch him. "Even if you've stopped loving me, I want...ah...you know...that I still love you...I'm so sorry Aida...please, don't leave me."  
  
Kensuke brushed his ash-amber waves away from his face as he turned it towards Toji. Toji thought that he could make out a watery smile on Kensuke's features. He also thought that he was still too close to the edge for any sort of hope.  
  
"I never stopped loving you...Suzuhara...you are the only one worthy enough of my love..." He turned back to looking down at the rocks and the merciless waves. "I forgive you, but getting my heart broken once is more than enough... suicide is an unforgivable sin, and I will be eternally punished in Hell for it, but Hell is nothing compared to the torment life and love...and you have caused me..." He propelled himself forwards with his hands, and plummeted down headfirst. A dull thud seconds afterwards was followed by an unnatural silence. The final blow was delivered to Toji's heart and mind. Shattered beyond all comprehension, his numb mind could only replay those five seconds over and over again, each time bringing grief ten times worse than the last.  
  
He sat there until the morning, crying silently and moaning out Kensuke's name as he watched the waves wash over the body caught on the rocks. No matter how hard they battered against it, they couldn't budge the limp figure - it was just like in Toji's shattered heart, Kensuke was now a permanent mark, reminding him of the sorrow of the final act of their relationship. As the sun started peeking over the horizon, Toji stood up and wobbled unsteadily on his numb legs. He rubbed at his eyes, which were half-blinded by the endless tears that were still flowing from them.  
  
"I will not let you suffer alone Aida..." was Toji's final whisper as he leaped deftly into the fiery depths of Hell...  
  
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Kitty Kasumi: *sobble* nooooooo...!!! I don't believe I wrote this!!! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! What's wrong with me??? Why did I do this to them??? If you in anyway offended by the pairing of our choosing, then you can change the names to your liking, because I just realized that this fic doesn't really specify to these two - do you know what I mean? For example, you just can't change Shinji and Kaworu's names if you don't like the pairing (waaahhhhhh, such a kawaii couple)  
  
Neoangel: Ohhhhh, I get it - so I can change the names to Bunny Boy Shinji and Bunny Boy Kaworu, and I still would have the same effect!!! ^_______^ - that's because there's nothing in here that's Kensuke and Toji's little trademark, ne?  
  
Kitty Kasumi: BEFORE YOU DO though, please tell us what you think of our fic and the whole Toji/Kensuke thing...ja!  
  
...actually, now that I think about it, don't change the names - if you don't like the pairing, then you should have never read it (we warned you before the fic started) - sorry, mood swings...DON'T CHANGE THE NAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
